CALM BLUE OCEAN CALM BLUE OCEAN

Dear Daenerys

Dear Daenerys,

I recently walked in on my boyfriend of three years naked with another woman. I was hurt, of course, but deep down I still love him, and I know that he still loves me. He swears it was a mistake and that it won’t happen again. Should I trust him?

Sincerely,

Feeling Betrayed

Dear Feeling Betrayed,

WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Daenerys xo

Dear Daenerys,

My wife and I have been married for a year now. We’re both 24, just starting our careers, and not really in the financial position - but she wants to go off birth control and try and have a baby. I’ve tried to reason with her that it’s not the right thing to do at this moment in time, but she won’t listen. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Not Ready

Dear Not Ready,

Well for a start, you have no obligation to have sex with her at all. If she chooses to go off birth control, that’s a choice you have to respect. She may, for all you know, also have legitimate health reasons for doing so. Sit down with her and have a civilised discussion about it. When the Khal wanted to impregnate me, he basically just stuck it in me without asking. Eventually I was fine with it until I sacrificed the life of my unborn for his temporary half-life in a witch’s horrid ritual, but she may wish to have the courtesy of a choice in the matter. It’s all about communication in these matters. Speaking of which, WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Dear Daenerys,

WHERE ARE YOUR DRAGONS?

Sincerely,

Daeblairis Terpblavian

Dear Daeblairis Terpblavian,

Fantastic question. I do not know. I would like my children back. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. 

Sincerely,

Daenerys

Dear Daenerys

Dear Daenerys,

I recently walked in on my boyfriend of three years naked with another woman. I was hurt, of course, but deep down I still love him, and I know that he still loves me. He swears it was a mistake and that it won’t happen again. Should I trust him?

Sincerely,

Feeling Betrayed

Dear Feeling Betrayed,

WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Daenerys xo

Dear Daenerys,

My wife and I have been married for a year now. We’re both 24, just starting our careers, and not really in the financial position - but she wants to go off birth control and try and have a baby. I’ve tried to reason with her that it’s not the right thing to do at this moment in time, but she won’t listen. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Not Ready

Dear Not Ready,

Well for a start, you have no obligation to have sex with her at all. If she chooses to go off birth control, that’s a choice you have to respect. She may, for all you know, also have legitimate health reasons for doing so. Sit down with her and have a civilised discussion about it. When the Khal wanted to impregnate me, he basically just stuck it in me without asking. Eventually I was fine with it until I sacrificed the life of my unborn for his temporary half-life in a witch’s horrid ritual, but she may wish to have the courtesy of a choice in the matter. It’s all about communication in these matters. Speaking of which, WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Dear Daenerys,

WHERE ARE YOUR DRAGONS?

Sincerely,

Daeblairis Terpblavian

Dear Daeblairis Terpblavian,

Fantastic question. I do not know. I would like my children back. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. 

Sincerely,

Daenerys

Reasons Why People Should Not Be Allowed To Breed

Whether or not someone should have kids depends on whether that person:

• likes Two and a Half Men on Facebook
• has feather extensions
• thinks Keira Knightley was a better Elizabeth Bennet than Jennifer Ehle
• has NOT had a sex dream about Colin Firth as Mr Darcy
• has bad teeth
• has thin lips
• has feather extensions
• popped collar
• is a zombie
• has never seen The Lion King
• is a man who deems it his responsibility to dictate the needs of women to actual women
• didn’t getInception the first time
• thinks Pablo Honey is the best Radiohead album
• is sexually attracted to trees
• has feather extensions
• has sex with children but never calls
• can’t recite a full scene from a classic Simpsons episode off by heart
• enjoys watching golf
• enjoys watching golf and masturbating
• enjoys watching golf and masturbating to the commentators’ voices
• non-ironically uses acronyms in verbal conversation
• refuses to fart in front of people i mean seriously
• has ever tasted a baby’s tears to see if they grant eternal life
• claims to hate something with no first-hand experience of it
• has feather extensions
• is a misogynist
• is a homophobe
• is a racist
• is a gay black lady

10 Things Lana Del Rey Looks Like

an American Apparel brand sex doll

a lightly flambéed mannequin

a heavily sedated My Super Sweet Sixteen girl

a Real Housewife Halloween costume

Frankenstein’s ‘Fiona Apple’

the winner of American Idol if it took place entirely in Portland

Tori Amos’ afterbirth

Florence and the Machine but just the Machine part

hair extensions that grew into a person

an escapee from Madame Tussaud’s “Experiment Room”

Kim Kardashian’s Divorce, Gay Marriage, And You

I imagine by now most of the internet knows that after 72 days and $17 million later, Kim Kardashian’s fairytale wedding you never stopped hearing about if you frequent the worst kind of websites is over. And it’s time for the pop cultural post-mortem.

How did we get here? From sex tapes through inane tweets and reality shows, the Kardashians have a monumental empire of vapid stupidity and rooms full of horse hair hair extensions, valium, and fake nails made from the children’s bones, probably. And Kim is at the forefront of it all, either because we arbitrarily chose her as the face of the family, or because she’s the biggest attention whore so sorry, Khloe and Kourtney.

I’d just like to point out that having to type ‘Khloe’ makes me gag a little.

Here’s the thing. I don’t know how much anyone expected from the marriage in the first place. Hell, I barely knew anything about it at the time, other than the fact it was happening, Ryan Seacrest was weeping about how much money he was about to make and presumably also about his lonely, closeted existence, and that Kim was marrying some guy that looked like he’d play Lurch in a porn version of The Addams Family where he has bolts on the side of his penis. (If this hasn’t been done yet - and I’m not gonna Google it - COPYRIGHT 2011)

Okay, clearly I knew nothing about it. But what’s struck me most about this entire thing is the reaction of gay people/same sex marriage advocates. All of a sudden, everyone’s all, “Kim Kardashian can get married and divorced in 72 days and make $17 million dollars or so, but we can’t get married AT ALL?”

Okay. Valid-ish point. And as a gay man, I’m 100% for gay marriage, but I think that we’re taking the wrong tack on this issue, because at the moment it sounds like we think no gay people are ever going to abuse the institution of marriage. Hahahahahaha. Come on, guys. We know us. Let’s be honest with ourselves.

I understand that this is a reaction to the old “sanctity of marriage” argument. But I believe that we argue against that in the wrong way. We shouldn’t be saying, “But marriage isn’t that sanctified, because it’s been abused time and time again. Look at Liz Taylor’s many marriages (bless her fabulous soul), or Britney Spears’…entire life.” Okay, yeah. But the way it’s said always comes off as condescending. When we’re arguing our case for gay marriage, we have to accept that, should we achieve it, it’ll just be marriage. And in becoming able to marry, we have to accept all the insane things that people do within a marriage along with that.

What I’m saying is, I don’t want a gay marriage where along with the inspiring, loving gay couples finally professing their love to each other in society’s most ultimate and symbolic way, we don’t have leather daddies marching a twink they just met down to city hall to get hitched. Because that WILL happen, whether you like it or not.

I think we focus so much on simply achieving this equality that we don’t think of the aftermath. And so our rainbow-tinted glasses are making us all think that gay marriage means only loving couples will ever take advantage of it. But we need to want everything that comes with marriage! And there’s so much: shotgun weddings, quickie divorces, settling for someone you don’t really love, marrying your best friend because you’re drunk and it seems like a good idea at the time, accidentally getting married for a second time, purposefully getting married for a second time, polygamy, successful and loving partnerships slowly congealing into unions of spite and hate, runaway brides from their brides and runaway husbands from their trans man grooms, bisexuals standing at the altar unable to decide whether to marry a dude or a lady, ‘Dude Looks Like A Lady’ playing as the couple’s first dance at a drag queen wedding, and on and on and on.

The divorce rate is depressingly high these days. We have to remember that once the fight for gay marriage is over, it’s just marriage. Not gay marriage, just marriage. There’s no sense in believing that gay people marrying will be any different from straight people, because in the end we’re all people, and we’re all subject to human nature. There’ll be all the run-of-the-mill marriages, but there’ll also be the divorces, and the insane ones, and the televised ones, and maybe even royal ones, if a lot of gay men get their wish about Prince Harry. But we can rest easy knowing that, if absolutely nothing else, we’re all better people than Kim Kardashian.